Spoiling With Good Intentions

Spoiling is an age-old concern.  Most parents wonder from the very beginning how to balance being loving and attentive with not spoiling.  I don't know anyone who spoils their children with bad intentions.  Let me illustrate this for you from the perspective of a teacher.  In Kindergarten at the beginning of the year I see many different levels of independence.  There are children who are confident walking in on their own, taking care of their things, and even some who can tie their own shoes already.  On the other end of the spectrum there are children who look at you and wait to be told exactly what to do.  They come to you to put their coats on, run up to you because their milk is not opened, and some still have trouble buttoning their pants.  I don't think any parent ends up with a child like the second example because they want them to be dependent all their lives.  In my experience, there are two things that cause this scenario.  One thing is out of love, we often don't like to see our chlidren struggle.  Children get frustrated, and it is our reaction to fly in and save the day.  Another cause is our hurried lifestyles.  Let's face it;  Americans are often overscheduled.  We have work, school, baseball, dance, Boy Scouts, church, and the list goes on.  In a rush to get everywhere on time, we often do everything for our children in an effort to get them done more quickly. 

Let me give you a theory that can help you overcome "spoiling with good intentions".  I learned about Lev Vygotsky in college, and his theory has always stuck in my head.  It is called the zone of proximal development.  Basically it includes things your child is capable of learning and the things that she can learn with a little bit of help.  Let me illustrate this with an example of my daughter's adventures in dressing.  When she was a year old, she figured out on her own how to take her shoes off.  At first it took some effort, and now she does it with no problem.  This was something she was capable of learning on her own.  Right now she is working on pulling her own pants up.  If I didn't help her at all, this skill would be very frustrating for her, but when I coach her on where to hold them, she is able to be successful.  I could do this for her, but she is so proud of herself when she is able to accomplish this on her own.  What we need to do as parents to help our children become more independent is to know what our children are capable of, and give them a little bit of help to become proficient with more things.

Here are some examples of self-help skills that your children can work on as they grow:

**Brushing Teeth - My daughter is 2.  I brush her teeth first, and then I give her the toothbrush and let her brush her own teeth. 

**Dressing - Start with easy things like Velcro shoes and socks.  Then move to things such as jackets, pants, and shirts. 

**Feeding - Babies start by using fingers, young toddlers start to use forks and spoons a little and get better as they grow.

**Cleaning - Very young children can help to clean up.  The more fun you make it and the more you praise them, the more willing they will be.

The list could go on and on.  Just encourage your children along the way, coach when necessary, and be able to recognize when your child is not quite ready to master a skill.