Window Shopping: Another Lost Art

When is the last time you took your child to the store just to have fun and spend some time together?  If you are like me shopping usually involves running in the store, getting things as fast as possible, and getting out in time to get to our next obligation.

Just recently I have begun taking my daughter window shopping.  For those of you not familiar with the concept, it is where you just look around but don't buy anything.  I can recall window shopping with my grandmother many, many times.  We always had fun together!  When I take my daughter, I pretty much let her take the lead.  She shows me the things she wants to look at, and we talk about what we see.  On our most recent trip, she pointed out the cans of Pepsi, found the aisle for Mommy's medicine, lined up toy trains, and heard the sounds of a toy police car.  She was so pleased to have Mommy's full attention and did not once ask to buy something.

Next time you feel like getting out of the house or just need to spend some quality time with your child, try the lost art of window shopping.

Talk to Your Kids

Okay, so it sounds simple, but is it really?  Conversation is becoming a lost art.  I find it sad when I walk into a restaurant and see parents on their smartphones and kids on their video game systems.  As a teacher I found the cafeteria to be the clue to who talked at home with their families.  The ones who talk would eat and carry on a conversation during lunch.  The others would eat and then get in trouble because they could not occupy themselves for the remaining time.  Here are some tips for bringing back conversation:

#1  Eat together at the table:  I know lives are busy nowadays, but spending a few minutes together at the table can make a huge difference.  It gives you time to hear about your child's day.  It also gives your child a chance to hear you talk to your spouse and carry on a conversation.  Many manners are also learned at the table (E.g. Saying please/thank you and passing things).

#2  Greet your child and make sure he greets you:  If you are picking your child up in the car rider line, make sure you say hi when he gets in the car.  Make eye contact and convey a message that you are glad to see your child.  At school I would often see parents on their cell phones or just not bother to greet the child.  What a hostile environment it would feel like in that car when you can't even say hello!!  This goes for any time you are seeing your child after time away.  My son often will just mutter or not answer when someone says hello, so this was a habit I needed to break.  He knows that he is expected to respond because it simply is polite.  Keep in mind that your child may not be quite ready to talk about his day yet.  You may get more information if you give your child some time before expecting to hear everything.

#3  Ask your child about his day:  At some point if your child doesn't offer the information, ask your child about his day.  If you have a child that likes to answer things with one word statements, you could try establishing a good, bad, and funny tradition.  Your child has to tell you something good, bad, and funny about the day.  You should do the same about your day.  Children need to learn that conversation is about 2 things: talking and listening.

#4  Have forced family fun:  This is a time when the entire family spends time together.  It could be playing a game, going to the park, getting ice cream, or whatever you would like.  This is a great time to get in some much needed conversation.

#5 Be available:  Try to be aware of the time you are spending glaring at the the tv, looking at your smartphone, or texting on your phone.  Make sure you are available to your children.  If you are constantly stopping your child from talking because you are in the middle of a show or reading something on the computer, maybe you need to cut down on the amount of time you are doing these things.  You only have so many years to be a parent and have an influence on your child, and those years are very important!!

Video Game Tip for Parents

There are some video games that I don't mind except that my son is not mature enough to handle the inappropriate language.   He gets very frustrated when all his friends are allowed to play but he is not.  Now I'm not a fan of the excuse, "Everyone else is doing it," but I also have to realize that I cannot keep my son in a bubble forever.

My neighbor gave me this very simple, but genius tip.  If the only problem you have with the game is inappropriate language, let your child play the game, but only with the sound off.  As she was telling me this I was thinking, "Why didn't I ever think of that?"  This strategy has a bonus too.  It is nice and quiet when he plays the game. :-)

School Doesn't Have to be Scary

What things come to your mind when you think of school?  Are they bad things are good things?  For your child to have the best school experience possible, you are going to have to get involved and stay in touch with the school.  I promise it doesn't have to be scary.  Here are some pointers when dealing with your child's school and teacher.

#1 - Establish a relationship with the teacher at the beginning or very early on.  You should meet your child's teacher, ask questions, tell the teacher some things about your child, and get contact information.  This lets the teacher know that you care about your child having the best experience possible and allows you to get in touch with the teacher if there is a problem.  It also helps you establish a relationship before any problems occur.

#2 - Always make an effort to attend parent/teacher conferences.  It is important that you understand how your child is performing because it gives you a better idea on how you can support your child.  This also gives you an opportunity to ask questions.  Don't just nod your head and smile.  If you have a question, ask it!  The purpose of a conference is to get everybody on the same page.  There is a lot of jargon in education. As a former teacher, I would sometimes "slip up" and use jargon that parents were not familiar with.  It is important to ask if you don't understand something.  It will not make you look dumb, but will actually let the teacher know that you are actively listening.

#3 - Make contact before a problem gets out of hand.  Sometimes children have problems but are afraid to tell the teacher about them.  While you need to let your child know she needs to talk to the teacher, you should also talk to the teacher.
For instance, I once had a child who was being bullied by another child in Kindergarten.  It was happening on the playground with my assistant and was not physical, so she didn't notice it.  I was not aware of the problem at all until one day his mother spoke to me about it.  We were able to take care of the problem immediately, and I even got a cute "thank you" note during writing time from him thanking me for taking care of the problem.
Teachers are not scary!  Please talk to them if you are concerned!  

I will add some more tips soon, but this will give you a good starting place.  Please ask any other questions you may have regarding school or another issue.

Retention in Kindergarten: A Good Thing or a Bad Thing?

Do you remember your days in Kindergarten?  You wrote your name, played with blocks, learned your alphabet, and listened to stories.  Ah, those were the days.  Some of you may not have even gone to Kindergarten because it was not required.  Well, we are going to end the dream now, because Kindergarten has changed.  There is now much less time for blocks and art and Play-Doh and a whole lot more to learn.  This leaves a lot of parents with the dilemma at the end of the year whether to retain their child in Kindergarten or send her on.

First let's consider the many things Kindergartners are expected to know at the end of the year.  I won't list everything, but this will give you an idea of how Kindergarten has changed.
*Capital and lowercase letters  *Letter sounds  *30-50 sight words  *Read a Level C book (I will give an example later)  *Write a story of at least 3 sentences with correct capitalization, punctuation, and spacing.
*Numbers 0-30 *Shapes such as rectangles, triangles, spheres, and cubes (also being able to build them)  *problem solving *days of the week, months of the year, seasons *modeling addition and subtraction
And the list goes on.

Now let's consider some other factors that go into learning.  Some children in Kindergarten are almost a year older than other children.  You luck out if you have a September-December birthday because you are much more developmentally ready to accomplish the goals above.  Unfortunately if you have a June-August birthday, you often have quite a challenge, because no matter how smart you are, there are something things you just are not developmentally ready for.  Also, some kids are just more mature in general and more motivated to learn.  Others are more interested in playing at this young age.  Boys, especially, are less mature at this age.  It is often difficult for them to sit still and focus on academic things such as reading and writing.

So we revisit the dilemma.  My child is at the end of Kindergarten and struggling.  Do I hold her back and let her repeat Kindergarten again or do I push her on and hope that she matures and catches up?

Here is my opinion.  (Of course each situation in unique and needs to be looked at on an individual level.)  There is no grade better in which to retain than Kindergarten.  Even though there is a lot of work in Kindergarten, much of it is done in fun ways.  There is still a lot of what children would consider "playing" (even though it is learning through playing).  There is also a lot of singing and stories.  Kindergarten is just plain "fun" to children.  First grade is a different world.  While there are still some fun activities, there is much more time spent sitting and working.  The jump in levels that children are expected to meet from the end of Kindergarten to the end of first grade is unreal.

Here is an example of a Level C book, which is the end of the year level expected in Kindergarten:
"Where is my hat?' said Ben. (p.1) Ben looked under his bed.  "It is not here," he said. (p.2) (Beaver, J. (1997) Where is My Hat? Parsippany, NJ: Celebration Press)

Here is an example of a Level I book, which is the end of the year level expected in first grade:
Gorillas are members of the great ape family.  They live in the forests of Africa. Gorillas have strong, heavy bodies. They can walk on two legs like people do.  Most of the time they walk on their feet and hands (p. 1). (Freed, K. (2003) Gorillas. Tuscan, AZ: Reading A-Z)


Do you see why it is difficult to think that 1st grade will give a child time to "catch up"?  I am not saying it is impossible, but I hate to see children struggle every year always coming up just short of the goal.  Unfortunately, children are very perceptive.  They figure out real quickly who is "smart" and who is not.  Of course they do not understand all the other things going on.  They just know that Johnny can read what the board says but they cannot.  Repeating Kindergarten can be a really powerful thing when done correctly.  First of all, the struggling child with low self-confidence suddenly becomes the leader.  She knows the school, knows a lot of routines, and can model a lot of behaviors that are expected.  She is suddenly looked at as the "smart" child.  If the teacher does a good job, it is possible to reverse the low self-confidence.  At the same time the retainee gets the chance to review skills she may be shaky on and gets another chance to learn the skills she didn't know before.  She also is given the chance to grow up a little bit more.  All the while she is having fun at the same time.

Here are some things to keep in mind.  You have to be 100% committed to the idea.  If you convey a negative message to your child about retention, she will have a negative view about it.  For instance, retention is not because your child is stupid or because she was bed.  Retention is to give her a little more time to learn some more things since everyone learns at a different pace.  Also just know that this decision is going to be difficult at first for your child.  All she will think of is that her friends will be in a different class and she will still be in Kindergarten.  I have seen many children go through this, but after a week or so in Kindergarten they are comfortable with their new friends and don't really have much of a stigma.  Children are so much more resilient at this age.  Retention will be a much bigger deal at an older age when friendships are more established and peer pressure is much more prevalent.

I know this decision is very difficult, but it can be one of the most important decisions that you will have to make as a parent.  If you would like to share a specific case with me, I would be happy to listen and give any advice I have.

Fun Activity For Your Children

Ever feel like you need to get out of the house?  Ever feel like you need to get your children out or they will drive you crazy?  Here is one idea that is great for those days when it is too hot to go outside, and you are broke.  I took my 3 children on a Walmart scavenger hunt the other day.  I kept it a surprise until we were on our way.  When I told my children what we were doing, I was amazed that I did not get any moans or groans.  This is especially amazing since my 17-year old rarely likes to leave the house and his video games, and the 12-year old complains about everything.  It is also amazing because it involved them working together.

 Here is how it worked.  They were given a list of 12 items to find.  (I will copy the text below.)  They had to  stay together and find the items in order.  They had to take a picture of each one.  I am not a fan of making other people's jobs more difficult, so I wanted to use pictures so they wouldn't be moving items around or making messes.  My directions specify which boys took pictures of which items to eliminate arguing and specify that running in the store will disqualify them from the prize (cheap ice cream at McDonald's).  While the boys were working, I gave my 2-year old daughter a picture hunt to complete in the produce aisle.  I would let her find the items.  Then I would take the picture and show her.  She had a blast and loved to see the pictures.

Here is the list I gave the boys:

Take a picture of each item in order.  *** takes pictures of 1-6.  *** takes pictures of 7-12.  Be sure to walk so you are not disqualified.

1.  Vanilla Yogurt

2.  Cheddar and Sour Cream Chips

3.  Baby Rattle

4.  Sandals

5.  Mario Game

6.  Funny Movie

7.  Golf Ball

8.  Flowers (Real or Fake)

9.  Mechanical Pencil

10.  Cold Medicine

11.  Batteries

12.  Magazine

Here is the list I gave my daughter (I used clip art from Microsoft Word, but blogger won't let me copy it.)

       apples, bananas, grapes, watermelons, cucumbers, tomatoes, cookies, cake, bread, cheese

  

       If you would like me to e-mail the documents to you, I would be happy to do so if you provide an e-mail address.

Working Together: Mommy Power!

Children hate when adults communicate!

As your children get older and make more friends, make sure you get to know the parents too.  Even the most well-behaved child is going to make a bad choice or two.  And if you have creative children like mine, they are very crafty at trying to get away with things.  For instance, when my younger son has lost a privilege (such as video games), I make sure I communicate that to our neighbor, because my son could easily go to their house and play video games.  We banded together just yesterday when our boys tried to pull off a forbidden snack.  I caught them in the act, but the neighbors tried to tell a story to their mother.  Needless to say, I was probably not the most popular person yesterday because all the boys ended up in trouble. 

Parents banding together is not just for the purpose of monitoring behavior; it can also be helpful for learning more important things.  Let's face it; as children become teenagers, parents become almost nonexistent.  Teenagers tend to tell their friends everything and their parents nothing.  My older son's best friend's mother and I also talk regularly.  If one of our children says something concerning to the other parent, we share that information.  When my son seems to be "down in the dumps", I will let her know also so she can be watching for anything concerning when he is at her house. 

Bad Habits: Are They Yours or Hers?

This issue can get touchy, but I'm going to jump in anyway. :-)

There are many things that are tricky and your children get older.  "How do I get my child to sleep in her own crib?  When do I take her pacifier away?  When do I switch from bottles to sippy cups"  The list can go on and on and on.  I hear people complain about these issues all the time because the transition can be tough.  Here is the touchy question:   

***Is the problem really your child's problem, or is it your problem?  ***

 Let's face it; it's hard to let your little ones grow up.  Putting your baby in her own crib means she is not an infant any more.  Switching to a sippy cup means your little baby is moving toward toddler-hood.  Some of us just aren't ready to deal with these things.  At some point, though, you are going to have to face reality.  We can't keep our kids little forever.  We can either help them meet milestones with confidence or we can hold them back and make them dependent on us.  If your child will not sleep in her own bed, examine what messages you have been sending her.  Do you rush in right away and say, "It's okay honey!  I know you're scared.  Mommy won't leave you again."?  Or maybe you make an excuse such as she isn't feeling well, or she is getting a tooth, or there is a noise somewhere.  While these may be true, are they really the reason your child isn't sleeping, or is it an excuse to let her stay little a bit longer?  What you need to do is keep things consistent and assure her that she will be okay.  Even if it breaks your heart, put on a good, confident show for her, and then you can go cry in another room.
Let's examine the case of the pacifier.  Do you tell her she is getting too old for her pacifier, and then give it back at the first melt-down or scrape after falling?  Do you give it back to her just because it in thundering while she is trying to sleep?  Once again, you need to be careful of the messages you are sending.  Children are brilliant at picking up on inconsistencies.

Remember:
Children don't know what it good for them; all they know is what they want now.  It is your job as the parent to do what is best for them.

Child-Centered World

Have you ever taken time to think about how different things are now than how they were growing up?  Let me give you an example, and you can see if it sounds familiar.  Please share your examples too.

When I was little and my family had parties, I would get to join in for awhile, and then I would have to go to bed.  I can remember lying up in my grandmother's bed listening to all the fun and watching for anyone to walk by.  The next bunch of kids in my family started 5 years after I was born.  When they were young, I resented that they never had to go to bed.  I was always sent down to play with them downstairs after awhile so the adults could play games.  Of course I loved them very much, but I always wanted to get to stay and play games with the adults.  Finally the last bunch of kids in my family came along.  There are about 15 years in between my cousin and I.  When her and her brother came along, not only did they not have to go to bed, but they did not even have to leave the adults alone to play.  Actually quite a bit of attention was paid to making sure they were having fun, had something to do, and were included in everything. 

Does any of this sound familiar? 

I think our world has shifted to a different way of raising children.  I'm not sure it is all good.  As a teacher, I noticed that every year children seemed to get more and more talkative and less and less respectful of adults.  We need to treat children with love and respect, but we also need to teach them love and respect.  There is no harm is teaching children that adults need to have their time to.  Your children will not be damaged if you do not spend every waking minute with them.  They need to learn how to entertain themselves some of the time.  You need to listen to your children, but they should also learn how to wait their turn in a conversation so as not to interrupt. 

Please share your thoughts and stories on this matter.  I really think our society could benefit from a change in how we raise our children.

Car Trips: Bag of Tricks

If you're going on a car trip with a child (especially a busy child), here are some ideas for a car bag. 
Family Bag:
-Lots of snacks
-Drinks
-Batteries for any items that need batteries
-Music
-Movies or Video Games (if you have a car system)

Toddler Bag:
-Books that are familiar
-"I Spy" books (There are ones for young children, and they like to look for the pictures.)
-LeapPad/Tag or Tag Junior
-Small legos or links
-MagnaDoodle/Etch-A-Sketch

Older Child Bag:
-Book that can be read over and over (Ex. World Record Book, National Geographic, Fact Book)
-Notebook
-Fun pens/Markers/Pens/Pencils
-White board/Dry Erase Markers/Eraser
-Travel games/Magnetic Games (Dollar Tree had a Tic-Tac-Toe and Connect 4)
-Silly Putty
-Games/Puzzles such as license plate bingo or word searches

Here are some websites with printable games:

http://www.momsminivan.com/printables.html
http://www.wejustgotback.com/default.aspx?mod=fun_travel_games
http://familyfun.go.com/vacations/on-the-road-games/

Teenagers: Forced Family Fun

Everyone knows that teenagers love hanging out with their families, right?  Haha!  Okay, so secretly they might love it, but they would never let in on.  I encourage every parent with a teenager to institute something that my family calls "Forced Family Fun".  It is basically an event that is mandatory and we do as a family.  It is usually, of course, something that all members of the family will enjoy.  Our teenager will start off the event with grunts and groans, but by the end, he is laughing and smiling.  Yesterday we went to a choir party at High Rock Lake.  We took everyone but our younger son (he had another party to go to).  Of course our oldest was thrilled (*sarcasm*).  He had some good food,  but was still being huffy.  My husband and I both nudged him into playing a game with us outside.  Then he started to come alive.  My point is, with many teenagers, they would never tell you they will enjoy anything, so make them participate in things you know they will enjoy.  It is important for them to spend time with you, but if you don't require it, they may just keep to themselves.

Overprotective or Under protective: Finding a Balance Between the Two

Where do you fit?  Are you constantly protecting your child from every danger or fear or do you let your child experience everything for himself?  I believe we need to strive to find a balance between the two.  Consider this example:

My younger son (age 12) was watching wrestling this evening.  Personally I hate professional wrestling.  I don't like the fighting and big egos, and it is so fake.  If I were to be overprotective, I would not let him watch it at all because it goes against some of my values.  As much as I would love for it never to be on in my house, I also risk the danger of my son obsessing about it more.  I find that the more you shelter a child from something he is interested in, the more he obsesses over it and seeks it out.  On the other hand, I could be under protective.  I could let my son watch anything he wants any time.  I could not monitor any of his television viewing figuring he will discover things on his own.  Obviously I do not agree with this extreme either.  It is our job as parents to teach children our values.  If we don't know what our children are watching, we can't discuss things they may see that are inappropriate.  For example, my son came over to me and wanted to tell me part of what happened.  I did affirm his excitement for wrestling and told him I was glad he was enjoying it.  I also let him know the reasons I did not prefer to watch it, and that the way they talk to each other is not how he should talk to others.  In this way, he is able to watch it as something he is interested in, but he knows that the behavior he sees in unacceptable in his daily life.  If I was not aware of what he was watching, we would not have been able to have that dialogue.  I know many children have televisions in their rooms, but I strongly encourage you to rethink that idea if your children have a television with the capabilities to watch any channels.  There is no telling what your children are watching when you are not in there.

In conclusion, try to find a good balance.  Let your children experience the world, but be there to guide and coach along the way.

Children: How Do I Get Out the Door With Them?

Q:  How do you get out the door when you have more than one child, and there is always a feeding/dirty diaper/meltdown, etc.?

A:  That is a great question!  Don't we all wish we could wave our magic wands and have everyone packed and ready to go?  Unfortunately when my children came along I guess they were out of magic wands.  :-)  So, here are some tips to make it go as smoothly as possible.

**Get as much as possible ready the night before or earlier in the day.  When I take my 3 little ones on an outing such as the park, I try to fix their lunches, snacks, and sippy cups the night before.  I make sure I have diapers and anything else I might need.

**I usually aim to leave about 20 minutes before I actually have to leave.  This allows for any dirty diapers, meltdowns, phone calls, etc.

**I often load the toddlers in the car first and then finish getting the rest of the car packed.  This works well for me since my garage is attached to the house.  I know for some people it wouldn't work as well.  Usually the toddlers have a little baggie with a snack so they are fine to wait a few minutes, and they are already buckled in so they are staying out of trouble. 

**Make a checklist.  I have a checklist on my iPod for bigger trips such as the park.  This way, I make sure not to forget anything important.  It helps me think clearly when things are hurried and stressful.

What tips do you have? Everyone has strategies that work for them.  Please share anything that makes getting out the door easier for you.

Swimming Success!

My daughter used her new floatie today and did great!  It keeps her up pretty well.  She still needs some help of course because she does not understand how to kick to move around, but that will be the next thing we work on.  I give the floatie a high recommendation!  My nephew also had his first day in the big pool today.  He was very clingy at first, but with support and encouragement he was splashing around and having a great time!

This picture is from target.com.  It is called the Puddle Jumper Deluxe.

Great Swimming Device!

Is your child fearless in the water?  My daughter is absolutely nuts!  She just wants to go, and she does not want Mommy to hold her back.  Her favorite thing right now is to get out and jump in.  (Did I mention she is only 2? Lol!)  My friend had this great new thing for her daughter, and I am so excited for my daughter to try one on Friday!  It has the traditional floaties for the arms, but then it has a floatation strip in between the arm floaties that helps to keep the head above water.  We found ours at Target, but I know they have them at Babies R Us also.  They are a little under $20.  My friend's daughter is 4, and it worked perfectly for her.  I will report back on Friday to let you know how it works for a 2-year old.

Toddlers Are Sponges

Have you noticed that your toddlers seem to learn something new every day? Toddlerhood is a busy and sometimes frustrating stage, but it is so amazing. My daughter has learned so much. I wanted to tell you about some things she has learned to give you some examples of how to optimize this prime learning time in your child's life.
*She has learned most of her capital letters and some lowercase letters. No, we don't do flashcards every day, and no, we don't have one of those video programs that you sit your child in front of that promise that your child will be reading by age 3. She has picked up letters from me talking to her, pointing out things, and playing with her. I use names a lot. She gets excited to see letters that stand for people she loves (e.g. B for Brenda, D for Daddy, etc.). She also loves puzzles, so I got her some puzzles that have letters. At first I would hand her the pieces and let her put them in. As she picked up more letters, I would tell her the ones to find. Now she is starting to know a little bit of the order. It is simply amazing. We were in the car yesterday passing High Point University. She looked at the sign and all the sudden I heard, "T for Thomas". Then I heard, "I for ice cream". She was pointing out letters on the sign and was so proud of herself.

*As I have mentioned before, children love songs. Your child will think you are the best singer in the world even if you are tone deaf. Sing out, be enthusiastic, and don't worry about anything else. There are so many good songs out there. Songs teach children the alphabet, counting, rhyming, etc. If you need some good music, check out the library. I know the High Point Public Library has a ton of cds right when you walk in the children's room.

*Point out objects and talk to your children while out and about. My daughter can get very restless in the car, but she loves to watch everything going by. She now knows so many of the things we pass in the car and says "hi" and "buh-bye" to each one. For instance, we often pass the train tracks, the playground, and a large replica of a dresser. She is also starting to recognize our road sign. Today I decided to tell her the directions on the way home to give her things to look for. I told her we would go over the train tracks, down the road, turn on Banbridge, pass the geese, and then we would be home. I repeated it over and over sometimes leaving words out, and she would fill them in. She was excited to tell Daddy how we got home when she saw him.

These are just some ideas, but the possibilities are endless. Being a former Kindergarten teacher, I have seen young children learn, but nothing beats toddlerhood for maximum learning!

Young Children and Swimming

My daughter loves the water!  As I reflected on some time spent with some other mothers and their children at the pool today, I thought I would share some swimming advice. 

*First of all, expose your child to pools at an early age (preferably before they are old enough to resist). 
*There are some great products you can get for the pool for young children.  You can get swimsuits with pads in them and inner tubes that are made specially for babies (many with canopies over the top to shade from the sun).  Also at Target and Babies R Us, they have floaties that have a chest piece that keeps the head from going forward. 
*Don't project your fears onto your child.  Teach your child important safety rules at the pool but don't overemphasize the worst case scenario (e.g. drowning).  You can be cautious without scaring your child.
*Be considerate of your child's fears.  If your child is terrified, help her work through her fears one step at a time.  It can be scarring to a child to throw her in to help her overcome her fear.  Start slowly.  Let her experience the pool with you.  Then work on her holding on to the side.  Then work on moving a foot or so away from you.  Assure your child she will be okay and don't force her.  Praise her for her accomplishments. 

Being in the pool should be fun!  Enjoy the bonding time with your child!

UKY3SBR8VECF

Parenting When You Are in a Bad Mood

Q: What makes you feel better when you are in a bad mood?

A:  It depends on why I am in a bad mood.  First of all, I think it is important to articulate to older children that you need some space because you are in a bad mood.  This way your child has the "heads up", before setting you off.  If I am very tired, I will either let my 2-year old watch a favorite video (reserved for special times) or take her up to her room where I can lay down on the floor and not have to worry about her getting into trouble.  Sometimes I need to get out to improve my mood, so we may jump into the car and go out to the mall or playground.  It just depends.  Now you might have been thinking, "What if the older child does not leave you alone?"  My younger son is notorious for that.  Even though I tell him that I just need some time alone, he either feels the need to cheer me up or just totally ignores the fact that I want to be alone.  In this case, he will be given an ultimatum to go do something in another room or he will be sent to his room.  Obviously if your bad mood lasts for a long time, and you cannot seem to get over it, then you need to talk to your doctor.

Tattling Vs. Problem Solving

"Mom!  She stuck her tongue out at me!" 

Ever heard something like this?  This would be an example of tattling.  As parents we want to protect our children from everything, but the truth is, we cannot.  Because of this reality, we need to teach our children how to be good problem solvers.  Before we get into that let me define two types of problems for you.  "Big problem" are things such as punching, setting fires, kicking, breaking something, etc.  "Small problems" are things such as sticking out a tongue, tapping, calling names, and not sharing.  Our job as parents is to teach our children some strategies to use to deal with the small problems and when to get help. 

Here are some things your child can do on her own to deal with a small problem:
**Walk away
**Ignore
**Ask the other person to stop
**Find someone else to play with
**Work out a deal (Ex. "If you play this game with me, I will play your game with you".)

Your child also needs to know about bullying.  If small problems go on and on after strategies have been tried, then the problem has turned into bullying, which is a big problem.  When there is a big problem, your child needs to know how to get an adult that they trust to help in the situation.

If you teach your child these things early, they will be much more confident as they get older and encounter more situations.

Spoiling With Good Intentions

Spoiling is an age-old concern.  Most parents wonder from the very beginning how to balance being loving and attentive with not spoiling.  I don't know anyone who spoils their children with bad intentions.  Let me illustrate this for you from the perspective of a teacher.  In Kindergarten at the beginning of the year I see many different levels of independence.  There are children who are confident walking in on their own, taking care of their things, and even some who can tie their own shoes already.  On the other end of the spectrum there are children who look at you and wait to be told exactly what to do.  They come to you to put their coats on, run up to you because their milk is not opened, and some still have trouble buttoning their pants.  I don't think any parent ends up with a child like the second example because they want them to be dependent all their lives.  In my experience, there are two things that cause this scenario.  One thing is out of love, we often don't like to see our chlidren struggle.  Children get frustrated, and it is our reaction to fly in and save the day.  Another cause is our hurried lifestyles.  Let's face it;  Americans are often overscheduled.  We have work, school, baseball, dance, Boy Scouts, church, and the list goes on.  In a rush to get everywhere on time, we often do everything for our children in an effort to get them done more quickly. 

Let me give you a theory that can help you overcome "spoiling with good intentions".  I learned about Lev Vygotsky in college, and his theory has always stuck in my head.  It is called the zone of proximal development.  Basically it includes things your child is capable of learning and the things that she can learn with a little bit of help.  Let me illustrate this with an example of my daughter's adventures in dressing.  When she was a year old, she figured out on her own how to take her shoes off.  At first it took some effort, and now she does it with no problem.  This was something she was capable of learning on her own.  Right now she is working on pulling her own pants up.  If I didn't help her at all, this skill would be very frustrating for her, but when I coach her on where to hold them, she is able to be successful.  I could do this for her, but she is so proud of herself when she is able to accomplish this on her own.  What we need to do as parents to help our children become more independent is to know what our children are capable of, and give them a little bit of help to become proficient with more things.

Here are some examples of self-help skills that your children can work on as they grow:

**Brushing Teeth - My daughter is 2.  I brush her teeth first, and then I give her the toothbrush and let her brush her own teeth. 

**Dressing - Start with easy things like Velcro shoes and socks.  Then move to things such as jackets, pants, and shirts. 

**Feeding - Babies start by using fingers, young toddlers start to use forks and spoons a little and get better as they grow.

**Cleaning - Very young children can help to clean up.  The more fun you make it and the more you praise them, the more willing they will be.

The list could go on and on.  Just encourage your children along the way, coach when necessary, and be able to recognize when your child is not quite ready to master a skill.

Naps and Young Children

Naps can be difficult as your children get older, but most children still need them until Kindergarten or later.  In my experience, children who take an afternoon nap are more pleasant and sleep better at night too.  Here is the trick to getting a nap time routine started.  First of all, you need to create a predictable set of events.  At my house we clean up, use the bathroom/change diapers, pick out a book, and then go upstairs.  I am aware that older children often think they are too old for naps.  That is fine, but they need to take a "quiet time".  "Quiet time" can be used for reading or sleeping.  Your child can take a book or two with her to bed, but must stay there for a designated amount of time.  I would think an hour should be the minimum amount of time.  This allows enough time for the child to get recharged and for you to have a short break.  It also gives enough time for your child to settle down enough to fall asleep if her body needs sleep.  Many creative children come up with excuses to get out of taking naps or stall, but if you are consistent, eventually your child will get used to the routine.

Quality Time With Your Children Anywhere

I have to admit that it brings me great joy to see parents having quality time with their children wherever they are.  One of the best ways to do this is to talk, talk, talk. 
**When you are driving, talk about the things you see.  With younger children you can point out familiar objects such as trains, animals, trees, and stop signs.  With older children, you can talk about where you are going, how you will get there, or play some words games. 
**At the grocery store, involve your children in the shopping.  Tell them what you are looking for, let them help look for it, and have them put it in the cart.  For young children who sit in the shopping cart, this is a great time to sing some songs quietly.  When my daughter was younger, I found a great song that can last a long time.  It goes to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus".  "The cows on the farm go moo, moo, moo (repeat twice); The cows on the farm go moo, moo, moo all night long."  After you have done as many animals as you can think of, "The farmer on the farm goes shh, shh, shh (repeat twice); The farmer on the farm goes shh, shh, shh so I can go to sleep". 
**Take a trip to the zoo.  For young children, name the animals and talk about what they are doing.  For older children, take time to read the signs and teach them about the animals.  The more excited you get about the animals and facts, the more interested your children will be.
**Eat dinners together and talk.  I grew up in a home where dinnertime happened in front of the television.  Fortunately my parents used many other opportunities to talk to me.  My husband and I felt it was important to begin a tradition of eating meals together.  Especially now that we have a teenager, dinner is one of the few times that he is around talking to us.  When you go out to eat, talk and enjoy the company.  I hate to see children out to eat with their video games.  I just think it is a missed opportunity for bonding.
 **Waiting in line can be annoying and stressful, but it doesn't have to be.  Use this time as learning and bonding with your children.  You can search for different colors, shapes, letters, or number, you can play games such as "I Spy", or you can sing some more songs quietly.

Advocating For Your Child

Advocating for your child is one of the most important jobs you will have as a parent.  I was a teacher for many years before I took children into my home.  Because I knew a lot about the school system, it made it a lot easier to get exactly what my children needed in school.  Unfortunately not all parents have this inside information.  Here are some examples of things I had to advocate for:

**My boys both had a time when they tried really hard but did not pass their End of Grade Tests.  The school said Level 2s were automatically retested, but I did not feel it would be beneficial to my children.  We found out that it was not a requirement, and we could send a note saying we did not want them retested.  My younger son's school did not give us trouble, but we had to call the county before my older son's school accepted the note.

**My older son was way behind in school when he came to us.  To a teacher, he would look like a student who did not care at all.  Because we knew him best, we had the insight that he had missed a lot of school in the past and had very low self confidence.  He would work hard for teachers that had a relationship with him and really expected him to do well, but for other teachers he would not do much.  For a few years, we would send out e-mails at the beginning of the year to his teachers letting them know some background about him and what we expected of them.  For example, we wanted to be notified as soon as he started having trouble, because once report cards came, it was often too late to fix the problem.  Now that he has seen some success in school, he has a little more confidence, and we have only had to intervene in one class.

I realize that navigating the school system is hard, so please ask any questions you have.  My husband and I are both teachers and have a lot of experience in the school system.  He is also working on his Masters in Administration, so he has insight on that level also. 

There is another place where I have found that advocating is necessary, and that is the medical system.  My daughter has been having problems with fevers for awhile.  Her doctor has not been able to find anything wrong with her.  She was sent on to an immunologist who came up with a theory that she doesn't sweat.  It seemed to be a good theory because when we would cool her down with cold water or keep the thermostat in the house down low, she would be so much happier.  Her condition, anhidrosis, is rare, and little is well known about it.  Fortunately I found a support group online which made me realize I will have to do more research and let the doctors know what I want them to look for.  Our hope is to find out what is causing the condition.  We were sent to a dermatologist in Winston-Salem.  He was not helpful at all and was very rude.  He didn't listen to anything I had to say, and seemed to contradict the research I had done.  He did not feel her condition was sweat related at all.  I had found out about a sweat test that can be done, and after the other doctor talked to him, he thought that would be a good thing to pursue.  My doctor is wonderful, and when I came in with the information I had found, he was more than willing to do a referral. 

Here is the bottom line:  YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD BEST!   If someone tells you something that doesn't seem quite right, do some research, and advocate for your child.

New Baby and Sleep Deprivation

Q:  Hi Jennifer. I am a mommy to 4 children! My oldest just turned 6 and will start school in the fall, then my 4 year old, my 2 year old, and finally my newborn. I just had our fourth and last baby, and I am TIRED. This baby required a c-section and I am in a lot of pain. I am also up a lot with the baby and have no energy for my 3 other children. My family all lives across the country, so it's mainly me until my husband Mark gets home from work. I do pretty well, except for the lack of sleep thing! My question is: do you think it's OK for me to nap with the baby and allow my children to play in the house (never outside unless I'm there)? We have locks up high on all the doors to make sure they cannot unlock the doors themselves and go outside without us knowing. My kids play very well together. Do you have any other tips for taking care of little ones while also dealing with the pain of birth and severe sleep deprivation? Thank you so much! I am sure I will have other questions for you in the future!!!!!!!!!!!!

A:  Congratulations on your new little one!  I know it can be exhausting.  While I cannot relate to going through a C-Section, I got my youngest when she was 3 days old, and was going through some anxiety/panic attack problems that were leaving my energy supply depleted.  First of all, you know your children best, but I would be nervous leaving a 2-year old unsupervised.  My daughter gets in to so many things, that I would be nervous what would happen without supervision.  When I was really sick and alone with my daughter when she was young, I would go in her room (which was very baby-proof) and lay on the floor with a blanket.  She was able to play without getting into trouble, while I drifted off to sleep on the floor.  I was close enough by that I could hear if there was any trouble.  I would think with strict guidelines, your 4-year old and 6-year old could play in another room while you get a little bit of sleep.  I would also recommend having your husband be part of the night routine.  My husband and I would work it out so he would be up until midnight to cover any feedings, and I would take anything after that.  That way we both got some uninterrupted sleep.  If you are nursing, I would highly recommend introducing the bottle and pumping enough for your husband to take a shift.  You both have to take care of yourselves.  On the topic of sleep deprivation, I would definitely have a "rest time" for everyone.  Of course I know the baby is not necessarily on a schedule yet, but there should be some quiet time where everyone either naps or takes some books to read.  If your children are flexible, you could try to work it out so they are doing this at the same time your baby is sleeping.  Hope that gives you some useful information!  Just know it will get better; hang in there!

Children Reading: Creating a Love of Reading at an Early Age

I will never forget a conversation I had with a parent of one of my first graders my first year of teaching.  She had three lovely daughters, but they were all very different.  She said as a baby, her oldest child always had books in her playpen, and now she loves to read.  The middle child was always near the television, and now her favorite thing to do is watch television.  The youngest always had some sort of game to play with, and now her favorite thing to do is play video games.  I always remembered this conversation, so when I started raising my youngest, I made sure to always have books nearby.  I acted as if they were a reward and something very special.  Now my daughter's favorite thing to do is to read books.  At 2 she sometimes sits with me, and we read 10-20 books before she is ready to get down. 

Here are some tips to foster a love of reading at an early age:

**Always have books available to your child.  (I recommend checking out garage sales.  You can get a great library started very inexpensively.)

**Start a reading routine when your child is an infant.  Reading a book is a great thing to do right before going to bed.  (If you haven't started this routine already, it is never too late to start.)

**Books make great rewards!  If your child has done something extra special, and you decide to get her something, get her a book.  This reinforces the idea that books are something special and builds your child's library.

**Go to the library with your child weekly.  Get excited about getting new books.  If you are excited, your child will be excited too.  If you are free during the day, many libraries have great story time programs for young children.  I recommend having a special location for library books, so they don't get lost.

**Be mindful of some different stages of reading:

• Infant: Loves the sound of your voice, so you can read anything.
• Older baby: Wants to grab the book and turn pages.  Touch and Feel books are great!  Note that you will need books with very few words on a page.  It is okay if your child skips around.  Let her enjoy the book even if you don't read the whole story.
• Toddler: Begins to have favorite stories and will start to read parts of the story with you.  She may still want to skip around.  Sometime she will sit and read the book herself.  Praise her attempts even though they may sound like babble.
• Preschooler: Loves books with more of a story.  She will probably have favorite characters she likes to read about.  Start encouraging her to "read" books herself.  She can do this by looking at the pictures and inventing the story.  Make sure you let her know how proud of her you are for reading.
• Elementary School Child: This age begins the exciting process of learning how to read the actual words on a page.  Your child will probably bring home books to read from school.  Be sure to praise your child as she reads these books, but don't forget to still read to your child.  Beginning readers do not have much of a story.  She still needs to hear good reading modeled.  
• Older School Child: At this age, children are reading chapter books.  It is important to get them books they are excited about reading.  Your child may still want you to read with her.  You could take turns reading chapters at night.  Keep up the routine of going to the library.  

Teenagers and Chores

I will admit that my children have had it pretty easy in the almost 4 years they have lived with me, but that is going to change.  I find myself exhausted trying to be a good mom and a good housekeeper.  I cannot fit in the house work normally until the little one is in bed.  I decided last night that the kids are out of school and should be helping a lot more, so I developed a chore chart.  Here are some tips in creating one:

**Specify a time of day: I suggest a chore with a certain time of the day to be done (e.g. after dinner).  This minimizes the arguments starting with "I'll do it later".
** Fair does not mean equal: Children of different ages may have different responsibilities.  Fair is giving each child a reasonable amount that she can handle.
**Consistent Chores: I recommend giving your child a certain chore that she can become proficient at.  You can switch the chores up every so often, but I don't recommend switching them daily.
**Give away chores that you can give up some control on: Let's face it!  There are some things I am very picky about.  I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way, so most of the dishes will fit.  This is a chore I kept for myself so I don't have to stand over my children and drive them crazy.  Once again, this will minimize arguments.
**Praise! Praise! Praise!: Let your child know how much you appreciate his help.  If you are relaxing or spending time with him, you may want to point out that it was possible because of his help.

ADHD and Car Trips

I find that one of the biggest trouble spots for my younger son is the car. Children with ADHD are not especially good at being still and quiet. For some children the scenery is a good distraction, but not for my son. Car rides consist of him picking on his sister, driving everyone crazy with random questions, and making obnoxious noises. I would like to share some of the ideas I have found. I will share in the future which ones work the best for us.

**Have a special bag for car trips including books, paper, pencils, games, or any other small items that your child is interested in.
**Bring videos or video games for your child to play. (I really don't love this all the time, but for long trips, it gives us all some sanity.)
**Let everyone listen to an audiobook on cd. (You can get these at the library.)
**Play a game such as road trip bingo, find signs with the letters, or find license plates with different states. Here is a link to some printable games: http://travelwithkids.about.com/cs/printgames/a/gamesprint.htm.
**Bring a MagnaDoodle, an etch-a-sketch, or a Leap Frog learning system.
**On long trips, stop every 2 hours, and find a place with either space to run or a Play Place. If you are in a hurry get your child's food to go, and let her play while you eat.
**Make sure you bring some snacks and drinks along.

Disciplining Toddlers: Teaching Expectations

I was reminded of a good procedure to follow when disciplining toddlers.  I will use an example from last night's baseball game to illustrate.

Step 1: State your expectation.  You need to leave your shoes on.

Step 2: Give the ultimatum if the behavior continues.  If you take your shoes off again, you will have to sit in the stroller.

Step 3: Follow through if the behavior continues.  The child would be placed in the stroller.

Step 4: After a reasonable amount of time, review your expectations, and give another chance.  (Toddlers have short memories and need lots of practice at following expectations.)  Are you ready to get down and play?  You have to leave your shoes on to get down.  

(Repeat above procedure.)

Parenting Teenagers: Some Basic Guidelines

Q:  What are the best ways of dealing with teenagers?

A:  That is a great question! Teenagers can be quite challenging. Here are some things that come to mind:

***BE AVAILABLE, BUT NOT PUSHY
I think this is very important. I find that my son is not very talkative most of the time, but I need to make myself available whenever the moment comes that he feels like talking. If I don't take the time to talk with him right away, chances are that when I am ready, the moment will have passed, and I will have missed my chance.

***NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET INTO YOUR CHILD'S WORLD
My son recently became interested in Yu-Gi-Oh cards and battles. One day he decided that I would be good at it and should make a deck. I really had no intentions of doing it at first, but I accepted some cards from one of his friends. This led to quite a few nights of Yu-Gi-Oh battles. We had a great time, and it was a great way to bond.

***LET THEM LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES
I find that there are still times that privileges need to be taken away, but teenagers learn best from "natural consequences". For example, my son recently broke a window with a baseball. Even though it was an accident, it was the result of him throwing the ball side arm. He has been told over and over not to throw that way, because the ball does not go where he wants it to. When he told me he broke the window, I did not get angry. I calmly explained to him that, while it was an unfortunate situation, he would be responsible for paying for the window.

***ALWAYS BE A MENTOR
While teenagers need to learn from their mistakes, their brains are not fully developed. Even though they are beginning to look more like adults, they still need a lot of guidance and boundaries. Yes, it is their role to test them, but be consistent. I promise they will not hate you forever despite what they may say. The teenage years are often the years of rebellion as they test their independence and search for their identity, but most of the time they will come back around to the values you have modeled for them. I'm not saying to preach a sermon, but let them know things that are important to you. I think a big issue nowadays is sexual relations. While the statistics show that many teens are sexually active, let them know how you feel. Personally I feel that sex is something special reserved for marriage. Alcohol is another big issue. Many people drink socially, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I have always stayed away from alcohol only because I don't like the thought of a substance having control over me. I have shared this view with my children. In the end it will be their decision, but it is good for them to know what alcohol is capable of. As I mentioned above, I don't preach sermons to my children, but I slip in my morals whenever the chance arises.

***MORE TRUST = MORE FREEDOM
Every teenager is different. Being fair is not doing the same thing for every teenager, but giving every teenager what she needs. Reward her trustworthiness with more freedom. If she consistently lets you know where she is, you may be more willing to let her go more places or stay out later. As I said before, teenagers still need limits and boundaries. The ones who show less responsibility may still be immature and need more limits. You know your child best.

If you have any more specific questions that I did not answer, feel free to ask another question.

Head Banging Temper Tantrums

I received an excellent question regarding temper tantrums:

Q:  What would you do if they were head bangers during those temper tantrums? :-)

A:  I would recommend one of two things. If the area where the child is head banging is soft where no damage could be done to the child, I would leave the child be and try the distraction method. If the child's safety (or your other children's safety) is in question, I would probably give the child a modified time out with you where you take the child to a spot away (maybe a couch, soft chair, or bed) and let her finish out her temper tantrum. You could bring something like a book to use for distraction.

Temper Tantrums

As I was dealing with my daughter in her "terrific twos" (Haha!), I was reminded of some important rules of temper tantrums.

#1  If you know your child is not hurt, ignore the temper tantrum.  The more attention you give your child,
       the worse the tantrum will be.

#2  Try distracting your child by getting involved in something else.  My daughter loves reading, so
       sometimes I will just go over to the couch and start reading a book out loud.  Of course, I don't even
       look at her.  I act like I'm just enjoying the book myself.  Most of the time, within a minute or two, she
       will quiet down and join me.

#3  Most importantly, don't give in!  If you give in, you are reinforcing that temper tantrum behavior is an
      acceptable way to get what you want.

Parenting Advice: Submit a Question

I am new to the blogging scene.  As I had more time to use the program today, I figured out a way you can contact me.  I will respond to comments, but if you click on my complete profile, you can e-mail me a question.  Then I will put the question and answer in a new post.

Welcome parents and caregivers!  I am very excited to start this blog!  Please ask any questions relating to children that you have.